Unwanted Memories
by Selena Shepard
Summary: Both have suffered, and memories linger.
1. Chapter 1

AN: I may be going crazy. I can't stop writing. At any rate, this little thing was partially inspired by Aeowyn99. Go check her stuff out.

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 _The scent of armor and an underlying hint of lavender hit the marine's nostrils. She was close, so very close to her. The smooth features of her face, the barely visible freckles on her cheeks, her pink lips moving as she spoke. So very close._

 _"...then I just climbed on top of the table, trying to get everyone to shut it. The CO walks in suddenly and begins to laugh at the sight."_

 _The twinkle of her caramel eyes shines brightly as she chuckles at the memory. She faces the marine, her face now taking a serious expression. Ashley tries not to fidget under Shepard's gaze, her eyes seemingly looking into her very soul._

 _Oh, how did she love those eyes. She wanted to drown in them, swim in their beautiful waves. She wanted to be the center of attention of those creamy orbs. She wanted them to twinkle as they watched her._

 _The space between the two soldiers was small. The gunnery chief could feel the minty breath of her commanding officer, a slight hint of alcohol lying there as well. Her breath caught as a hand caressed her cheek and the soldier leaned into the touch._

 _Her eyes drifted down to the slightly parted pink lips. She wanted to feel them, taste them with her own. She wanted to so badly. She couldn't resist any longer._

 _Warm. So very warm and soft and moist. So delicious. She moved her hand, sinking it into the short, light brown locks of Shepard's hair. So very smooth. A tongue swiped at her lower lip and she gasped. The tongue invaded her mouth, her senses becoming overwhelmed._

 _The kiss ended, leaving Ashley breathless. She let out breath, her forehead leaning on Shepard's._

 _"I love you."_

 _"I love you, too."_

###

She shook her head, ridding herself of the memory. Damn it! She told herself she wouldn't think of her anymore. She told herself she would focus on her career. Not her. Not anymore.

She had cried enough. Endless streams of tears had fallen the first two years. She had felt empty. Lost. Shepard had been her everything. Then... the rumors began.

At first, they made her soul ache, for she knew they were nothing more than mere fantasy. But they persisted. Stories spreading across the galaxy. A woman commanding a newer, better version of the Normandy. Yet another thing that had been lost.

Then Anderson came to her. Told her that...that she had been here. Spoke to him. Worst of all, she was with Cerberus.

Of all the... Cerberus. What happened to her? Didn't she remember all the shit they did? All the lives they took for their freak experiments? Did she forget?

Anger had boiled up in her. A question struck her: Did Shepard forget about them? Did they not have something special? Wasn't it real?

It had felt real. The caresses, the touches, the feelings, the emotions.

##

 _Shepard straddles her, her lips pushing deeply into Ashley's. Desire fills the marine's mind as she runs her hands down Shepard's back. Her CO runs her own hands down Ashley's neck, down her collarbone, resting on her breasts._

 _She is pushed back suddenly, her back hitting the mattress. Their kiss intensifies, fingers desperately move to remove each other's clothing. Finally, they lay naked, intertwined with each other. The hot lips move down to her neck, causing a strained sound to leaver the chief's throat._

 _A hands trails down to her stomach, past her abdomen, finding her wet entrance. She cries out to the ceiling as those calloused fingers enter her, filling her. Sanity begins to leave as each thrust becomes more fervent, her body trembling._

 _It isn't long before her entire body tenses as a flood escapes from between her legs, ecstasy filling and travelling through her entire being. Looking up, caramel orbs look down at her, filled with love and adoration. She melts at the sight, her body shuddering with remnants of pleasure_.

###

"For fuck's sake, damn it!" She clenched her hands, trying to ignore the pulse of pleasure that ran through her at the memory. She exit her tent, washing herself in the hot air of Horizon. She had a directive; thinking about ghosts would help no one. Bad enough that the mechanic was an ass that didn't trust her or the Alliance.

She shook her head once more, clearing it from thoughts. No, it would serve no one to think of her. Straightening to full height, she made her way to the turrets, hoping they would be able to get the damn things to work.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: I'm on a roll, people! Please enjoy and provide feedback.

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She paced around her cabin. _She probably already knows_ , she thought. _She went to Anderson, he must_ _have told her already._ Briefly, she wondered what the gunnery chief would think of a this.  
 _Probably that I'm crazy. She probably hates me_. Shepard sighed, running a hand through her shoulder length hair. It almost felt different. It felt foreign to her. Her entire body didn't feel the same, if she were to be honest. Her skin still felt too tight, her limbs heavy, her mind jumbled and confused.

 _How the hell did these people even manage to bring me back? Jacob said I was dead. Dead. That's not something you can cure_.

A hissing sound reached her ears, but ignored it. She knew who it was. She felt their strong aura radiating. An odd, if somewhat alluring trait.

"Planning on making a hole on the ground, Commander?" The thickly Australian accent spoke.  
Shepard stopped pacing and looked up at the raven haired operative. She was certainly beautiful, her hourglass body could turn heads and make anyone drool. Her abilities were far beyond awesome, and her determination spoke volumes about her.

"Sorry, Miranda. Was there something you needed?"

"You've seemed...off since we stopped by the Citadel. I assume you spoke to Anderson?"

"I did." Shepard replied simply.

"Did he say something that you did not mention in the reports?" Miranda asked coolly.

"It's nothing that will jeopardize the mission, operative." Came the harsh reply. "If there is nothing else, the door is right behind you."

"I meant no offense, Commander. I was...simply worried. It seems I was worried for nothing though."

Shepard sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Look, I'm sorry, Miranda. I just... Don't worry about it. I just need some moments to collect myself."

Miranda nodded. "Very well." She hesitated before continuing. "I know I'm not the epitome of helpful advisor, but if you ever need to talk..."

She scratched her collarbone, a sign Shepard caught on to quite quickly. Shepard smiled though it didn't reach her eyes. "I appreciate the gesture."

"We will arrive at Omega in approximately half hour." Miranda said before she turned and left, the swish of the door signaling Shepard was alone once more.

"Guess I better get ready..."


	3. Chapter 3

AN: *dusts off pages* Wow... Can y'all believe this was written and I never published it? Like, seriously, it was done. AN and everything. I'm so ashamed. At any rate, thanks to Kane69 for reminding me about this little thing. Sit back and enjoy, everyone. Or...rant about how it's horrible in a review. Take your pick. :D

* * *

"God damn it!" The lieutenant exclaimed, kicking the base of the console. Next to him, a sigh escaped the man that had been helping her.

"Kicking the damn thing won't get it to work." He said, rubbing his temples. "Stupid Alliance." He muttered lowly.

Ashley was definitely not in the mood for his bullshit right now. She should've already left this burning hot rock of a planet. She should be out there doing something useful, not trying to power up giant guns. She'd been at it for three weeks now.

"Where's Tali when you need her?" The marine muttered under her breath. Unbidden memories prickled her mind but were quickly cast away. Now was not the time to think about what seemed a lifetime ago.

"I need some air. I'm calling the Alliance to get someone down here to help us."

"Shoulda done that a long time ago."

Swallowing down the urge to punch the guy in the face, she walked outside, the hot weather making her sweat like she had run a mile. Her armor wasn't helping much. Alliance regs indicated one had to be armed and armored when handling weapons of large magnitude. Ashley never expected to be doing so in a planet that almost burns your skin off. She couldn't fathom how people managed to live there.

Footsteps approached her from behind. She turned, spotting Lily, the only person who had been willing to lend her a helping hand without making a face. She and Williams had become good friends.

"Hey, soldier." Lily greeted with a smile. "How are those turrets coming out?"

"Like crap." Ashley replied. "We can't get them to work! It's been weeks!" Ashley let out an exasperated sigh, sinking down to the soft grass.

"Well," Lily began, taking a seat next to the Alliance soldier, "maybe you should take a break? You can come over to my place and we can chat a bit over some iced tea. I know you're just dying because of Horizon's weather."

Ashley gave a sidelong glance to Lily. She had been...becoming friendlier. The lieutenant was almost on the point of calling them advances but that would be absurd. Besides, everytime she tried dating, it always backfired.

Still, some cold tea never hurt anyone. "I'd like that, Lily." They both stood and began making their way to Lily's home.

As they walked, the sky suddenly darkened. Lightning rolled above them, an eerie shadow cast over the small settlement. Both women looked up, seeing something being obscured by the dark clouds. Ashley went for her assault weapon, getting a closer look through its scope.

"Get everyone to safety." She commanded. A buzzing began off in the distance. She looked to Lily, who still stood with a mixed expression of awe and fright.

"Go!" The lieutenant insisted. The woman ran, helping civilians into their homes. Ashley looked once more through her scope. _What the hell?_

She began firing at the flock of what seemed to be tiny bugs. Her bullets, however, did little to stop the horde. They flew past her even as she continued to fire her weapon rapidly. A sting hit the back of her neck and she winced, reaching back. Her gloved hand caught hold of something rather large and squishy. She blanched at the sight of the offending bug that had bit her.

Throwing the bug to the ground, she began to move forward, worried about the civilians. A tingle spread throughout her entire body, her arms, legs. Her steps became heavier, slower until she was completely paralyzed, the swarm passing by her. Adrenaline coursed through her as she tried to move, her limbs disobeying.

* * *

The shuttle trembled slightly as it descended, coming to an eventual gentle stop. Commander Shepard exit the vehicle even before the door was fully open, Garrus and Miranda close behind her. The former Alliance soldier did not like the sight that met her.

Strange pods lay about the ground, all about six feet long. Homes seemed to have been abandoned and apparently sacked, judging by some of the shattered windows and overturned furniture as the trio moved deeper into the colony. Above all, a loud, penetrating silence.

Overhead, a swarm buzzed by, oblivious of the three armed people walking about. It seemed that Mordin's project worked after all. Shepard made a mental note to thank him once they returned to the Normandy.

As they kept advancing, they encountered people, but not in a state they had wished. They seemed to have been paralyzed, shocked and panicked faces greeting them as they trekked on.

"It seems to be some type of neurotoxin." Miranda commented, giving some insight on their situation.

They moved on, deeper into the heart of the colony. At last, the seemingly unending silence broke as they were met with Collectors. Shepard blanched slightly at the sight of the creatures. Giant bipeds with four eyes and huge guns was not the soldier's regular cup of tea. Then again, everything she encountered wasn't.

They did not go down easily, but between Miranda's biotics, Garrus's sniper, and Shepard's sheer strength they were able to keep moving throughout the colony. The N7 soldier secretly reveled in the fight, her body automatically moving from cover to cover, shooting Collectors square in the head, grenades exploding precisely where she wanted them to. It was an old dance she knew the steps to very well.

After encountering one civilian that was alive and well-a mechanic who had been working on the turrets provided by the Alliance-the Cerberus trio finally arrived at the turrets. Both stood high above the ground, seemingly ready to take on just about any threat. But the targeting system was never activated. Had the colonists had the turrets online, they might have been saved from whatever fate the Collectors have planned for their hostages.

"EDI," Shepard called into her comm, "think you can get these guns working?"

"I have already been scanning its schematics and have found an appropriate way to activate the turrets. I will, however, require some time."

"Ever played King of the Hill, Garrus?"

"That some kind of human game?" Countered the turian.

"Kill as many bad guys as you can and don't get overrun."

"I think I like your people's games." He said with a smirk, unholstering his unique sniper from his back.

Shepard turned to Miranda, who she caught rolling her eyes at her banter. Shepard knew, however, that the Operative was always ready for anything. Truthfully, she admired that in Miranda.

She was struck out of her reverie as the sound of incoming Collectors was heard. They all took cover where possible as the onslaught began. For a while, things seemed going smoothly, their enemies falling with ease as the group worked together to take them all down.

The smoothness ended when a very large bug-like creature the color of night appeared out of nowhere. The trio's weapons seemed nearly useless as the things shields lit brightly with each bullet that bounced off. Through the high-powered shots of the three combatants, the shields deteriorated and the creature seemed to soon meet its demise.

That is, until the giant...creature flew in and crashed into the commander, the full force of the hit sending her flying, her back hitting the wall of one of the homes, ending up face first on the ground. The ringing in her ears wouldn't stop and she felt like she had gotten ran over by a running elcor.

 _No... That's not possible... Elcors can't run..._

She heard the voices of her companions, distorted as they were. She moved to stand, only for her back to protest in pain. Groans escaped her lips as she turned over and was met with the sight of a somewhat blurry-looking Miranda Lawson.

"Did you enjoy being hit by a Praetorian?" Came the question, layered with a hint of worry.

"Oh yeah." Shepard said, coughing as she spoke. "Praetory and I are best buds."

Shepard's vision cleared and saw a smirking Miranda shaking her head.

"Well, we killed your 'buddy.' Went down fairly easy really."

"That's because you didn't get rammed into it."

Shepard felt the cool sensation of omni-gel being secreted out of her armor and into her back, soothing the hot pain she felt there. A short moment later and she stood with the help of her companions.

"Thanks, guys."

"Targeting system set, Commander." EDI announced.

"Let's hit it, folks."

The looming ship of the Collectors began to retreat as the volatile weapons began to fire. Soon, not a trace remained of the ship nor of the Collectors.

"No! Wait! They got Lily! And everyone else!" Delan the mechanic said, seemingly wanting to chase after the ship on foot.

"I can't chase a giant ship across the galaxy." Shepard said. "I know it isn't easy but there isn't anything we can do."

"You did everything in your power, Shepard." Garrus commented, backing up the N7 soldier.

"Wait... Shepard. You're some type of Alliance hero, aren't you?"

"Commander of the SSV Normandy, N7 elite soldier, Savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

That voice. How she loved that voice. She had missed that voice for so very long.

Shepard turned, coming face to face with the woman that changed her life. The woman that had changed her harsh views on the world. The woman that showed her there's more to life than fighting and dying. The woman who stole her heart.

"Ash..."

Delan scoffed beside them, cursing the Alliance and leaving the soldiers alone.

"Katherine. It's actually you. What the hell happened to you?"

"I nearly died, Ash. Hell, people are telling me I was actually dead. Cerberus brought me back though."

Williams takes a step back, her face changing from disbelief to disgust. "So it's true. You're with terrorists."

"Typical Alliance attitude." Miranda said, though her comment went ignored.

"Ash, it isn't-"

"It isn't what, Shepard?" Ashley yelled. "You died! I mourned you for two fucking years, Katherine! Now you come back out of nowhere and want to, what, kiss and make up?"

"I know it isn't easy-"

"You're damn right it isn't! I... I loved you! Throughout all that time you couldn't have at least contacted me? Did you not trust me?"

"I was unconscious, damn it! What the hell was I supposed to do, send you a fucking message? I just woke up a month ago, Ashley. You have to understand!"

Held back tears filled both women's eyes, though they shed none.

"I used to believe in you, Kat. Now... Now I don't know who you are. I'm giving my report to the Alliance. They can believe whatever the hell they want to."

She turned and began walking away, her steps seemingly heavy. Shepard sighed, running a hand through her slightly disheveled hair. Her knees felt like giving out as the conversation ran through her mind again and again. She wanted to chase after the retreating figure of Ashley, the woman that had her heart. The woman that meant everything to her.

Shaking her head, she pressed her comm, contacting her pilot. "Bring down the shuttle, Joker. I've had enough of this rock."

* * *

AN: For those of you that recognize my Kat, I changed her personality a bit. I love my Katherine, she's a cold, badass bitch. Here, I watered her down a bit just to fit her into the story.

This will be continued with Shep coping with everything. It won't cover all of ME2, since that's what A New Beginning is for (which i need to get my ass on fixing and continuing).


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